The Grass is Green, Either Way...

One of the things that I kept hearing while I was getting ready to leave the states was people being envious of me being able to go on this adventure and not think twice about it. It's true, too. I got the email about my job offer, jumped up and down for a  bit, and then within half an hour of receiving it, I sent my signed contract back with an email accepting the offer. I consulted no one. I didn't even have to think about it. I had made the decision as soon as I had my Skype interview that if I got this opportunity, I would drop everything and take it. I've been thinking about this a lot and while it's a fantastic opportunity and I'm so excited to be able to do this, here's what I think...

When my contract wasn't renewed at the first school that I worked at, I was devestated. I had seen these kids grow up and had been lectured by these students that I wasn't allowed to leave the school until they graduated. It was one of the worst days I had at that school, and the months following were the hardest. We lost penguin in that last month and it was that moment that truly broke me for a while. That school had given me a family and had somehow provided me with the catharsis I needed to bring me back to myself. Through a series of years leading up to teaching I had been in a very bad place and by the time I started my first year I was a shell of a human. I was trying so hard to be what I thought I needed to be for everyone else and forgot how to be who I needed for myself. Somehow, mainly through the kids and seeing the impact I could have on those young lives, I made it back. Now, I'm sitting here writing from Morocco, a completely different woman than who I was 7 years ago on my very first day of school. 

Now, this has been my journey and this is what led me to Morocco. While I was on this long and arduous trail, I saw friends and family finding their people, going on fabulous vacations, getting engaged, getting married, having babies, watching those babies grow up. Some people who are in situations similar to mine might get irritated at all the Facebook posts (and I'm not gonna lie, people, they are a LOT of posts) but to be honest, I absolutely love them. I love seeing all of these people so happy with where their lives have taken them. While I understand that it's the same sentiment that brings the people that I love and adore to be a bit jealous of my current crazy endeavor, I have to say, I am entirely and wholeheartedly jealous of you. 

I'm jealous of the friends who have the partner in crime that compliments who they are as a person. I'm jealous of all those little ones, who may be a handful but who we all know make everything worth it. I'm jealous of the silly, little things that I see: apple picking, pumpkin picking, hay rides, beach days, sledding, learning to skate, sports...I could list a million things but you know what I mean. All those ridiculous things that you do with your kiddos so when they're our age and older, they'll look back and reminisce about all the wonderful things they got to do as children. I'm jealous of the people who have someone they should consult before they make a major committment. While it's sometimes fun having no one to answer to, it can also be exceedingly lonely. I'm jealous of how tangibly talented some of you are. I have friends who are artists, musicians, craftsmen (craftspeople??...), people who are in the film industry, and people who are working jobs that they may not like but still do a spectacular job, because that's who they are.

Now as I write this, I realize that it's all about the tangibility. You all seem to have tangible things that you show the world. My skills, talents, and accomplishments are, more or less, intangible. I have stories upon stories about kids I've known through the years and on their graduation day, when they walk across that stage and I get the inevitable hug after the ceremony ends, that's my tangible accomplishment. It's not witnessed by many, but when it happens it's something magical. When you get to see these kids grow into the marvelous humans that they become, it's honestly what makes my life worthwhile. So I sit here in my somewhat lonely existence, looking forward to meeting my new students and hoping that it still brings me as much joy and satisfaction and peace that it's given me in the past. 

The point (a great movie, btw. Look it up on YouTube). The point is that everyone is jealous of everyone elses here and now. I find myself exceedingly jealous of my friends who have found that person who makes them feel like they can be the best version of themselves. I'm jealous of the friends who have had the opportunity to watch a smaller version of themselves running around their house, and doing the same things they did as a kid. I'm jealous of having someone there to warm up a bowl of soup when you just don't feel good. However, there are plenty of people who would trade places with me for the silence, the calm, the beautiful, windy mountain views, and to answer to no one but themselves, even for just a short period of time. So, I'm going to try to curb y jealousy and continue to live vicariously through those of you who share your lives with me through Facebook. To enjoy seeing your kids grow up from afar and to watch your life unfold in the most beautiful of patterns possible. I haven't said this in a long time, but I am genuinely going to just be happy because I know my friends are happy, and I hope that leads me where I need to be.